Seriously

I am in love again. I really didn't think it would happen. And certainly not with a Republican ex-Marine with kids. But it works. Really, really, really well. And while that part of my life is working, as always, other parts start to slide. My relationships with people who are still friends with my ex are strained, at best. He's doing his best to make me feel like crap and make me look bad to others. I don't feel like I should defend the way I have acted. If I made rude comments to him, it was because I hate what he has done and I don't want to see him destroy his life. And neither do other people. But I am being attacked from all angles - at least that is how it feels. Except for this new guy. He's super understanding of my situation. And patient. And loving. And for right now, that is the most helpful force in my struggle to see how this all ends up.

Sometimes Life Gives You Lemonade

And isn't it about fucking time? I mean really, Life, what has been with all the lemons? I am just glad you came to your senses and finally sent me something worthwhile. A fresh start is sooooo close I can smell it and taste it and (almost) touch it! Just gotta make it through the next month.

Yeah - it is fast and I don't care!

Because he's wonderful and feels the same way I do. Next time I see him, I need to shoot lots of pictures. If he stays on this course, next time I will see him will be tomorrow!

Nightmares and Migraines

Do you ever have a bad dream..and you know it is a dream and you can convince yourself to wake up? It happens to me all the time. And if I do wake up, I can usually convince myself to NOT dream that anymore. Goodbye snakes, hello babies and bunnies and fun. But last night, I couldn't do it. I was able to come awake only once and I fell instantly back into the same fucking nightmare. It was about him. And it was "good" I guess - we were together and it seemed okay but something in me knew it wasn't right and it made me feel horrible. I woke up crying with a headache that turned out to be a migraine and I spent the better part of the day in the computer room because I put black velvet curtians in there so as far as the rooms of my house go, that one is the most cave-like. I have been having issues a lot this week. In my defense, I have my period. And as much as I would like for that not to effect how my body/brain functions, it does. But still, last night was creepy. And it made for a day of feeling sorry for myself. Susie says at least I have less and less of those days now. Its true - I have less and that is a good thing...but it makes days like this hurt more - seem worse.

On Being Back From Vacation - Now With Pictures!

I went on vacation. It was really wonderful, even though I thought it was going to suck to go alone. When I got back, I found I missed him - the new guy who failed the pop quiz. So we hung out. And, for two days, it was wonderful. Really fun and we talked more about my moodiness and need for space - and he was onboard with that so it seemed pretty good. But tonight, he messed it all up again. I had been gardening all day. He called and asked me to go to dinner and a movie. I said he should bring dinner so I could get a shower first then we'd eat and leave. I said I wanted time to shower and look good for him - I TOLD HIM THIS PLAINLY - no subtext or hidden clues. He got there before I was finished dressing and we kissed a bit and then I looked for a jacket to take to the movies (cause I am always cold in theaters) and I picked my favorite little red hoodie, a cute fitted little number from my favorite store: Target. I asked him if it looked ok (I was wearing black and gray, so red went pretty well...especially after I accessorized with garnet jewelry) and he scrunched up his face and said he didn't like that jacket on me. Now, I have NOOOOOO doubt that this is a kick ass jacket. And as for fashion taste, he was wearing the one shirt he owns that I wish would burst into flames and be seen nevermore. But I held my tongue and did not remark about that god-awful thing...but I couldn't let go of what he said. I wore the jacket anyway - fuck it, it is my favorite and it is cute and comfortable. But the point was that I wanted to look cute for him and now I felt...not cute. He apologized profusely and said that what he meant was that he preferred to see me without a jacket on but understood that I needed one for the movies and that what he had said came out wrong. But still, it rubbed me the wrong way. And I still feel a little hurt by it. I don't want to see him for a while. Maybe absence does make the heart grow fonder. Maybe I can only tolerate him in small doses spread out over a period of a week. Maybe I can only tolerate me in those small doses...



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This was a test.

A pop quiz, if you will. And you...you did not pass. I know, pop quizzes suck. OK, this was more a test of your prior knowledge. A pre-test. To see what you know, who you are, what you are capable of being. You called the movie "weird." You called it that after I asked you to watch it and told you how much I love it. You implied it was similar to "The Sixth Sense" just cause of the twist at the end. I actually like M. Night Shamalawn (sp?)'s movies. I find them entertaining. But this. This was not entertainment. This was part of how I see the world. This was about intellect and thinking and not just sitting and being.

And the part that took it to an F minus? When I sang along with the song and said how much I loved its use at that specific moment at the end of the film, you asked me who the Pixies are. Ack!

Are my standards too high? I feel like I am never going to find what I am looking for (again). You are a really nice guy. But the Pixies? Did you really just ask me "Who are the Pixies?"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Feeling Low

I haven't written here in a while. I also haven't worked in my sketchbook. I feel drained - like I don't have anything worthwhile to say or draw or photograph. I should feel great. I have been dating that guy and it has been fun. But the past two days with him kinda sucked. And I hate to say this, but some of why it sucked is that he's not my ex. It is not like I am constantly comparing them, but there are just somethings that I still miss - a void that isn't being filled. I think mostly it has to do with the fact that I don't love him. And I don't think I ever will love him. And I feel bad - like I am wasting his time. I thought it would be enough that he's really into me - thought that it would feel good to be adored. But I just kinda feel like crap that I don't feel the same about him. I really want to feel like that about somebody - preferably someone who feels that way about me. I want to be hopeful, but I just don't feel like anybody is ever gonna feel that way about me again. Ha. Again. I don't know that he ever did feel that way cause if he did, how could he just leave like that?

I admit it...I am lame.

So a lot has happened since I last wrote here. I have been doing a lot of dating (all myspace idiots...whatever, they are there and available...and most importantly, willing to take me to dinner before we do anything else...) Some have been dull - and I just never contacted them again. Some are fun and I am still seeing them, and some made me want to gouge out my eyes and run away (that fucking shirt that says, "You looked better on myspace" can be so cruelly true!) In all of this, I met this one guy who is pretty wonderful. He's a lot like me. And (this one kinda blew me away) he wants to be married and have kids and he's got this whole plan for his life. And we have a ton of fun together and he's cute and the sex (well, there hasn't been actual sex as of yet - but lots of stuff Clinton doesn't think is sex...) is wonderful. The only problem is, he makes me feel super shallow and horrible about myself. I feel like an ass because although he's amazing, I am hung up on the fact that he's big. And by big, I mean overweight. Really overweight. Now, I am not a tiny model girl. And I have dated my share of guys who could stand to loose a few pounds. But this guy is really, really big. He's like 6'3". He's very heavy - like 3x clothes size heavy. He has big hands and feet. In fact, he's big everywhere except...yeah, it is disappointingly small. And that makes the whole "new me looking to have fun and sleep with some guys and just date and take it easy" thing kinda suck. And to make matters worse, I am finding great wisdom in stupid TV shows again. Gilmore Girls. Lorelei is finally with Luke and they were gonna get married but he backed off and needs more time. And she talked to a therapist and basically decided that she wants Luke - she really loves him and hasn't loved other men. But she wants to be married and have another kid. And the therapist told her she had to choose: either wait for Luke and be ok with the waiting, or move on and get the other things she wants even though it won't be with her true love. Ack! I really really loved my husband. And we can see where that got me. And sometimes I want that kind of love again. But other times, I would rather just find a great stable person and start the family I want so badly. Sometimes I wonder if for me, the two are mutually exclusive. And I wonder how long I can wait. And if I wait too long, will I also pass up the really great stable guys who adore me?